Slay Bells Ringing
by readergirl1013
Summary: John Asmodeus Addams Sheppard is delighted to be going home for the holidays. There's the Winter Solstice, Modranicht, and Yule. And of course the Dark Revel, the honoring of the Nightmare Queen and the Yule Ball. He can't wait. Upon finding out that Mitchell and Vala have no where to go for the holidays, of course he invites them along. Sequel to "What's in a Name?"


PLEASE READ:

There are depictions of FAKE pagan rituals in this story. None of these are real, and I DO NOT believe that real practitioners of any of the various Neo-Pagan paths participate in rituals like these. These rituals were created specifically for the Addams Family. They in NO WAY are true.

If anyone is offended, I apologize, but I will not change any part of the story. If it makes you feel better I specifically did not refer to any Gods or Goddesses because I didn't want anyone to be offended.

In the story there is animal sacrifice, an orgy, and such delightful foods as Casu Marzu (also known as 'Maggot Cheese').

The violence is not much more explicit than what is found in the actual Addams Family films. (They did bury a cat alive in one of them). Although the descriptions are a bit... vivid in places.

There is sexual content. This includes slash, het and threesomes.

This story crosses over with a number of fandoms including: The Addams Family, Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1, CSI, NCIS, Highlander, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Grosse Point Blank, CSI: Miami, Harry Potter and Torchwood. (Mostly cameos).

READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION!

A gift for Evelyna, my beta. Happy Holidays!

* * *

><p>December 20<p>

Atlantis, Unnamed Planet, Pegasus Galaxy 

As the chevrons finished lighting up and the Stargate whooshed to life John Asmodeus Addams Sheppard bounced lightly on his toes. McKay shot him an odd look from beside him, while Teyla looked on indulgently from beside them with Torren in her arms.

"You're sure you don't want to come?" John checked with her again.

"I am certain John. Kanaan and I plan to spend our 'leave' with Torren on New Athos. It will be good for him to better know his people now that he is getting older." Teyla smiled, "Although I thank you for the invitation."

John nodded, unconcerned. He was too excited to be going home for the holidays to be concerned. His pulse rushed, adrenaline surged, his stomach twisted with nerves- it was a glorious feeling. He looked over as Ronon arrived alongside of Sergeant Amelia Banks.

"Finally!" McKay exclaimed, "What took you so long?"

Ronon simply shrugged, "Packing."

"You own three things!" McKay squawked. "Jeannie will kill me if I'm late for the holidays."

Ronon shot him a dirty look, grunted and swung his light pack and Banks' three duffel bags onto his arms before striding through the Stargate. Banks' grinned impishly at McKay and said, "Ronon was helping me pack," before following her boyfriend.

McKay huffed, and grumbled under his breath as he stomped through the Stargate after them, his own bag slung over his shoulder. John shrugged, waved goodbye to his men on duty in the Gate Room, kissed Torren on the cheek, and touched foreheads briefly with Teyla before trudging through himself.

* * *

><p>December 20<p>

Colorado Springs, Colorado

As John exited the Stargate back on Earth he was surprised to see half of SG-1 waiting to meet them. "Hey," he greeted, ignoring McKay's scowl.

"Hey back," Mitchell returned.

"Hello!" Vala beamed, and wrapped herself around John in a hug that was far too friendly for his comfort.

John awkwardly patted her on the shoulder. "Yeah, hi," he replied. It seemed the safest thing to say.

McKay rolled his eyes, and Ronon wasn't paying him any attention, focused on whatever Banks' was saying.

"Welcome back to Earth folks, please head straight to medical for your post-gate physical." John didn't recognize the voice over the loudspeaker, but waved at Stargate Ops. in acknowledgment. Going through medical was always torturous. He couldn't wait.

"You're headed home?" Mitchell asked as they left the Gate Room.

John nodded, "Yup."

"And you, Colonel Lemon? Going back to the farm for the holidays?" McKay questioned scathingly.

"Nope," Mitchell shook his head, "Mama and Daddy are on a seniors' cruise for the holidays, and my brother is headed to his in-laws. I'll be hanging around here."

Ronon grunted a questioning sound and looked at Vala. John gave him a slight smile; Ronon's grunts always reminded him of Lurch.

"What the big lug is asking is if you have plans, Miss Mal Doran, or if you'll also be staying here," Banks rolled her eyes and slapped Ronon on the shoulder.

Vala's bright smile dimmed, "I'll be staying here too. Daniel is currently off on a dig, and Sam is visiting her brother. Muscles went to see his son during the downtime," she explained. "You're going to see your family?" Vala grinned plastically at Banks.

John saw Mitchell shoot Vala a concerned look.

"Yes," Banks smiled back, seeming not to notice the fake nature of Vala's grin, "I'm bringing Ronon home to meet my mom and my sisters."

"Have fun," Mitchell told Ronon sarcastically. Ronon simply grinned in response.

"I'm going to see my sister," McKay interrupted. "She just had another kid. A boy named Robert. She named him after me."

John rolled his eyes, since Jeannie had announced little Robbie's birth, McKay had been bragging that the baby had been named after him.

"Congratulations?" Mitchell said puzzled. Vala hid a smile behind her hand, and hooked her arm in John's.

"Thank you," McKay said pompously, thrusting his chest out as he strode into the infirmary.

John shook his head, and held the door open for Vala and the others before entering himself. As soon as he finished the delightful torture of the medical check he could be on his way home for the holidays.

John was so excited he didn't even notice as he began to hum his favorite funeral march. Wagner was just so catchy.

* * *

><p>As they filled the last vial of blood needed for the medical tests John was struck with an idea. He would later blame it upon the blissful pain of the needle piercing his skin. (They'd needed to try seven times to find his veins, John was so thankful for his rolling veins.) He looked over at Mitchell and Vala and offered spontaneously, "Why don't you guys come with me?"<p>

Mitchell blinked at him, "Huh?"

Vala rolled her eyes, "I believe that what Cameron means is, go with you where?"

"Home for the holidays," John had warmed to the idea, "It'll be great- my aunt hates surprises." It really was the perfect gift.

The two offered him utterly confused looks. "Umm," Mitchell hesitated.

"No, really I insist." John nodded decisively as the nurse ran him over with a scanner. When they look ready to protest he said firmly, "Neither of you has any other plans, you're coming home with me."

Mitchell and Vala exchanged looks, and then Mitchell gave a small shrug while Vala wiggled an eyebrow. "Sure," Mitchell said, "Why not?" He frowned lightly, "I suppose I'll need to order plane tickets. What flight are you on?"

John laughed, perhaps a bit too darkly if the looks the others gave him was any sign, "No need to order tickets, I'll be piloting us." He smirked, "The plane leaves at four- be at private terminal C at the Colorado Springs Airport."

Mitchell raised his brows in surprise, "You've got your own plane?"

John shook his head, "It's the family plane," he explained. "I've got to go run a few errands before I meet you there."

John hopped off the bed and headed for the exit, "Oh, I forgot to mention that a few of my relatives will be flying with us, don't be alarmed."

As John left the infirmary he heard Vala say, "What did he mean 'don't be alarmed'?"

* * *

><p>John eagerly checked over the small passenger plane he'd be flying from Colorado Springs to New Jersey. After assuring that the plane was in good working condition (it wouldn't do to have a plane crash until after the holidays) he went to let his passengers on board.<p>

He was surprised to see Mitchell and Vala speaking easily with his relatives. He frowned, disappointed, perhaps this wasn't the disaster in the making he'd been hoping for. Oh well, either way it would be good to be home for the holidays. And who knew, perhaps Mitchell and Vala might earn enough approval to be adopted into the Addams Clan.

"Asmodeus!" A voice called out eagerly from the crowd and within moments he had his arms around a spiky haired ball of energy.

"Gregorius," he smiled at his (very distant) cousin. The two of them were close, often playing together as children, and being in the same class at St. Cyprian's School; although their careers often kept them apart these days. Pulling away he frowned, "What have you done to your hair?"

Gregorius made a face, "I'm doing fieldwork these days. Surrounding myself with the remains of a crime- the mystery of a murder, the blood spattered walls, the scent of a decomposing body, and the depravity of humanity." John felt a stab of envy shoot through him as Gregorius sighed in the pleasure of his remembrances. "Unfortunately I was told that 'CSIs in the field had a certain image to uphold' and multicolored, spiked hair did not fit that image. Nor did my usual wardrobe."

John looked him up and down, arching an eyebrow; Gregorius was wearing his usual black, tattered jeans, vibrant colored shirt, tennis shoes and black leather wrist band. Gregorius shrugged, "I have other clothes I wear to scenes."

John harrumphed, but before he could say anything a cackling laugh made him look past Gregorius' shoulder to see who the next Clan member to join him would be, and sighed, "Great-Aunt Deliria."

"The blue of Saturn is yellow," she nodded seriously at him. Gregorius darted into the plane to avoid being caught up in the conversation. John glared at his retreating back before sighing and turning back to Deliria.

"Of course," John replied just as seriously, "How's Great-Uncle Bo-Bo?"

She took John's hand and smelled it, "Bottle caps and fairies." She said decisively to her chimpanzee hand-puppet of a husband.

"I'm pleased to hear you're doing poorly Uncle." John told the puppet. "No worries," John told his Great-Aunt Deliria as she twirled onto the plane, "I'm a good pilot."

"Kippers," Great-Aunt Deliria called from inside the plane.

John rolled his eyes and muttered darkly, "She's such a worrier."

"Yes," the sarcastic reply came from the man who was next in line to board, "That's exactly the conversation I heard."

John smirked at the man, "Hello Uncle Methos."

The man arched a brow, "You have been practicing your sword work, Asmodeus?"

"Of course Uncle," John grinned wickedly, "I've found many victims to practice with at my base."

"Excellent, we'll have a spar tomorrow then," Methos smirked.

John nodded, "Yes Uncle Methos."

The man nodded back, smacked John's shoulder lightly, and entered the plane. John greeted the next to board, "Cousin Ozymandias."

"Hey," the smaller man greeted John laconically. He smiled slightly showing off too-pointed canine teeth.

John glanced at his shirt and grinned, "Nice shirt," he complimented the worn 'Dingoes Ate My Baby' tee beneath the bowler shirt.

Ozymandias nodded, "Classic."

"How's Tibet?" John arched a brow.

Ozymandias shrugged, "Chant-y."

"Sounds like torture," John said thinking wistfully of his own horrifically boring stay in the Cloister.

Ozymandias shrugged again, playing with one of the many prayer beads he had wrapped around his wrist.

The two just looked at one another for a while before Ozymandias nodded and went to take his seat.

"Hey Asmodeus," greeted the last of John's relatives to fly with him.

"Hey Kismet," John returned. "How's business?"

"Booming," Kismet grinned, "Thanks for hooking me up with that new contact in the Czech Republic, by the way, the guy was pretty handy."

"No problem," John nodded, "It's a co-worker's cousin though, so try to avoid having to… take care of him if possible."

Kismet nodded, "I try to avoid killing local contacts, especially in the former USSR. It's a pain to get people in that area. Plus, the guy has a great sense of humor."

John grinned darkly, "Well, I'm glad I could be of help. Tell me, how did you kill your target over there?"

"Standard double tap- one shot to the heart, one to the head," Kismet sighed, "So boring. I'm starting to lose my passion again, you know? I thought it was better after my school reunion in the 90s and meeting Debi, but lately…" He trailed off.

John awkwardly patted his shoulder, "Well maybe this family holiday is just what you need."

Kismet nodded, "Maybe." He sighed, "I told Marcella I was taking off until the New Year, hopefully by then I'll be back in top form."

John frowned, "You will. Between Grandmama's cooking and the rest of the celebrations you'll be back in the game in no time."

"Thanks again Asmodeus," Kismet said as he entered the plane.

"What is family for?" John asked rhetorically.

"Colonel Sheppard!" Vala cheerily greeted. "Thank you again for inviting us to your home for the holiday!"

"You're quite welcome," John smirked, "And please, call me Asmodeus."

"Asmodeus," Vala nodded. "That's funny; I thought your name was John?"

John shrugged, "Asmodeus is my middle name, and I prefer to go by it. I've been called Asmodeus since I was born, only my step-brother and his relatives, and some of the people I've met since I joined the military call me John. My family and friends call me Asmodeus."

Vala grinned at him brightly, "Then I am delighted to call you Asmodeus as well. Your family is very fascinating. It's wonderful!"

John gave her a wicked grin, "Then you'll appreciate our holiday festivities, Vala."

She grinned again, pecked him on the cheek and bounced into the cabin.

"Seriously, Sheppard, thank you," Mitchell told him sincerely.

"You can call me Asmodeus too," John offered. On base only Teyla ever called him by his first name (and more recently by Asmodeus on rare occasions), but it was not very often. McKay and Ronon both used his surname almost exclusively.

"Call me Cam then," Mitchell offered in return. "I really appreciate this…" He hesitated briefly, "Asmodeus."

John gave him a dark smile, "Oh no, Cam, the pleasure's all mine."

John followed Mitchell onto the plane, stopping at the bar to pull out two smoking goblets. "Here," he thrust one each at Cam and Vala, ordering, "Drink the entire glass."

Cam looked at it dubiously, but Vala after arching her eyebrows in disbelief and checking to make sure John was serious proceeded to shrug and chug down the goblet of potion. Cam hesitated, but seeing that nothing happened to Vala encouraged him to give John a smile (John rolled his eyes, he recognized a 'patronize the weird aliens' face when he saw it.)

"Hurry up," John scowled, moving into the cockpit to complete his pre-flight check. "Gregorius make him drink the entire potion," John requested curtly.

"You got it," Gregorius confirmed gleefully. Judging by the choking and sputtering Gregorius had taken him literally.

"Did you have to shove that stuff down my throat?" John heard Cam demand as he powered up the plane.

"No," Gregorius deadpanned, "I wanted to."

There was silence for a bit. John imagined that Cam was gaping at Gregorius. He heard Vala and Methos laughing. He wished he could turn around and see, but he was currently taxiing towards the runway.

"So," Vala said after a bit, "What do you all do for a living?"

"I'm an assassin," Kismet offered finally.

"How does that pay?" Vala enquired seriously as the plane leveled out at cruising altitude, "I've only ever been a thief in the past."

Cam could only let out a strangled, "Vala!"

* * *

><p>December 20<p>

Westfield, New Jersey

The group of eight disembarked from the plane to see Lurch waiting with the family car. Cam and Vala both froze at the sight of the very large man.

"He's bigger than Muscles," Vala whispered, eyes wide.

"Lurch!" Gregorius shouted enthusiastically, rushing forward to give the big man a hug. John shrugged to himself and then joined in hugging the large manservant.

Lurch groaned a reply.

John beamed up at him, "It's good to see you too! How've you been?"

Lurch groaned again.

"Really?" John was thrilled for the man.

Lurch groaned.

"That's horrible!" Gregorius chimed in, "Congratulations!"

John nodded his agreement.

Lurch looked down at them and groaned once more.

"Of course," John said as he let go of the big man, Gregorius following suit. "Come on guys, pile in. We've just missed dinner!"

"How are we all going to fit?" Cam asked dubiously, eyeing the classic car.

John simply smirked at him and slid into the back seat of the family car. Gregorius quickly followed suit, and Ozymandias slid in after him. Kismet shuffled in next. Methos cursed as he was forced to deal with Great-Aunt Deliria, whom he'd never gotten along with.

After all of the Addams had been settled, Vala popped her head in, and her eyebrows immediately went up. "Fascinating," she exclaimed as she too slid in to the car, "There's plenty of room Cameron."

Cam looked into the car and his eyes nearly fell out of his head, "That's not possible!" He exclaimed looking around the backseat that looked as if it could easily fit more than twenty passengers.

John looked over at the shocked Colonel. "We're Addams," he said in explanation, "Anything is possible." Looking around the car he continued, "This was Cousin Pugsley's graduation project."

Cam's eyes were still wide as he tentatively slid into the car. John and Gregorius exchanged malevolent smirks, this would be fun.

Pulling into 1313 Cemetery Lane, John smiled darkly. He was finally home. "Leave the bags in the car," he ordered, "Lurch will take care of them."

The manservant groaned in agreement from the driver's seat. Cam shrugged and opened up the car door, looking up at the rather decrepit old manor dubiously. Vala also looked surprised at the rather foreboding home. After dropping the guests off at the front Lurch pulled away to take the car to the carriage house.

"Home, sweet home," Methos said sarcastically as he walked up the front stairs. He rang the doorbell as the rest of the group clambered up the steps behind him. Both Cam and Vala jumped at the loud foghorn. John hid his snicker behind his hand, Gregorius and Methos didn't bother.

The door flew open moments later, "You rang?" Lurch groaned.

Cam gaped, "But… how did he get here so fast?" Vala was also startled.

John looked over at the man with a frown, and Gregorius blinked at him in confusion. Seeing the other Addams also look over in confusion at what he was asking, Cam bit his lower lip, "Never mind."

John shrugged at his relatives, and entered the old manor. "Welcome!" a low voice called from the stairs, "I hope your journey here went horribly!"

"Auntie Morticia!" John exclaimed in excitement, rushing up the stairs to give the woman a hug.

"Darling Asmodeus!" She hugged John back and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "You look so… tan," she said morosely.

"I unfortunately am outside in the sunshine frequently for work," John moaned despairingly.

"Oh you poor thing!" She cooed, "We'll get Grandmama to fix you right up."

She had long black hair, and a thin, almost sunken face. Her skin looked deathly pale, and her dark, fathomless eyes seemed to nearly glow in dark of the entry hall. Her dress was skin-tight, low-cut, and solid black, and seemed to end around her feet in what appeared to be tentacles.

"How was the flight?" She caressed John's cheek with sharply pointed nails of blood red.

"Horrible," John told her cheerily, holding out his elbow to escort her down the stairs, "Turbulence the whole way."

"Oh that's wonderful, my demented boy!" She cast her intimidating gaze over the rest of the guests, "Gregorius, Ozymandias, Kismet; how wonderful to see you all once more. We're ever so excited that you'll be joining us for the holidays. Your rooms have been prepared. Gregorius, do show Ozymandias and Kismet their rooms, they're in the caverns. You have your usual room Gregorius."

Gregorius nodded and waved to the others to follow him, turning to go through the door to their right. "Come on guys, this way."

"Great-Aunt Deliria and Uncle Bo-Bo, Thing has prepared your usual room. As per your request, your favorite strait-jacket is hanging on the door, and we've removed some of the padding in the walls. You were correct; it was much too thick to properly injure yourself!" She shook her head in dismay.

"Collywobbles!" Great-Aunt Deliria declared to the wall, rushing up the stairs past the black clad woman.

"So eager," Morticia chuckled darkly. John smirked in response.

"Uncle Methos," she paused as John whispered something in her ear, "Of course, your room has also been prepared, and while I understand it's been a long day, my Gomez was so looking forward to dueling with you." She arched a brow.

"Maybe after I get something to eat," Methos raised his own brow in response, "It doesn't do to attempt to behead someone on an empty stomach."

"Of course not, Uncle. Grandmama's cooking you all some supper right now."

Methos nodded his head, and to Cam and Vala's shock, pulled out a sword from under his coat. None of the Addams even blinked. "In that case, I'd better go clean up before supper." He stalked up the stairs, sword at the ready.

They were all silent for a moment before the clang of metal crashing together echoed down the stairs.

"En garde, Old Man!" the enthusiastic shout came from out of sight.

"Oh dear," Morticia's expression didn't change, "I suppose Gomez was simply too eager to wait."

John let out a cruel chuckle, "Sounds like Uncle."

"Indeed," Morticia agreed.

Suddenly Vala let out a shriek of fright, and Cam yelped loudly. John looked around to see what had startled them, but was distracted when he saw Thing approaching. He grinned as Thing climbed up him to settle on his shoulder.

"Thing!" John said enthusiastically, "Good to see you again!" He shook the hand neatly, and upon seeing the hand gesture at the terrified looking Air Force Colonel and alien, introduced them. "Thing, meet Colonel Cameron Mitchell and Vala Mal Doran. Vala, Cam, this is Thing, the family handyman."

The other man looked at John's face, as if to see if he was joking. John wasn't sure what Cam thought he might be joking about.

Apparently Cam realized that John wasn't teasing him, and cleared his throat, awkwardly saying, "Pleased to meet you… Thing."

"Hello," Vala waved nervously.

Thing waved back. John frowned when he saw Cam give a little shudder. How… disappointing.

"Asmodeus, you brought guests! And you didn't even warn me!" Morticia looked down at the two, "How rude of you to surprise me like this!" She looked over at John, "Such a thoughtless gift! I adore it!" She gave him a peck on the cheek.

"I know how much you hate surprises, Auntie." John gave her a cruel little grin he knew his aunt would appreciate.

"Thing, do prepare rooms for our guests," Morticia instructed. John smiled at Thing's eagerness as he immediately scurried away on his fingertips. "Greetings," she deadpanned looking back and forth between the two, "Welcome to our home."

"Nice to meet you ma'am," Cam said politely, "It's very kind of you to have us here for the holidays on such short notice."

Morticia smiled, and John frowned as Cam nearly cringed, "We always enjoy our visitors, especially the unannounced ones." She released John's arm and descended the last of the stairs, "Follow me, we'll head for the kitchens while your rooms are being prepared." She hooked her arm through Vala's, and led the other woman from the room. John followed behind her obediently and Cam followed after him.

"Tell me, my dear, does anyone know you're here?" Morticia asked Vala.

* * *

><p>Late that night Cam lay in his bed, staring at the ceiling. The water-stains and cracks made strange patterns and the furniture cast eerie shadows. He was pleasantly full from the lovely stew he'd had for dinner (although he wasn't sure what was in it, it tasted like nothing he'd ever had before), the bed was soft and luxurious, even if the room had a faint musty smell to it, and he was unsure why he lay awake.<p>

Perhaps it was the creaks and rattles of the old house, but something felt off about the place. Or the dark woods nearby. The Addams family had been very welcoming to both Vala and he, despite their unexpected arrival. He was grateful to them for putting them up for the holidays; he hadn't been looking forward to rattling about the Mountain over Christmas.

But…

There was something very odd about them. All of his instincts, honed through years of gate travel, seemed to be screaming at him to run away. Vala also seemed to be on edge all throughout dinner.

He was also worried that the family were actually aliens hiding out on Earth. Or at least harboring them, he shuddered at the image of the… of Thing. And Lurch looked like an experiment gone wrong. Even the two children of Morticia he'd met were odd. Especially her daughter, Wednesday. She sent shivers of fear down his spine just being in the same room as him.

He snorted; he was starting to sound paranoid. 'Stop worrying,' he told himself firmly, 'Sheppard's a good guy, and his family seems very welcoming. They didn't have to have you over for the holidays, or let you stay at their home. There's nothing to worry about.' Cam resolutely closed his eyes, determined to sleep.

Seconds later a loud scream tore through the air and Cam's eyes flew open.

* * *

><p>December 21<p>

Addams Manor, New Jersey

Cam woke up surprisingly well rested. He looked at his watch, and his eyebrows arched in surprise. He'd slept until eight o' clock Mountain time, far later than he normally slept. Getting out of bed he stretched, and quickly performed his morning ablutions and workout. He'd likely missed breakfast since it was ten o' clock here; still, perhaps there were left-overs.

He couldn't believe he'd slept so well, especially after that scream. As he left his room, he tried to remember how to get back down to the kitchens. Frowning he looked left and right down the hall before turning left.

He wandered for a while, looking at the décor. Peeling paint, dusty antique furniture, and paintings he swore were watching him. The spider webs in the corner and the ancient wall sconces made the place seem more like a haunted house than a family home. He was seriously beginning to wish he had his gun with him when he, at last, heard voices.

"Uncle Jack! Uncle Jack! Come play with us!" A child's voice exclaimed.

"Not now kids, I'm looking for your Uncle Ianto. Have you seen him around?"

"He was in the cemetery with Cousin Wednesday." Another child answered.

"Ah, thanks Hagar."

"You're not welcome." The child stated loudly.

Cam came around the corner to see two small girls and a slightly older boy. All three had weapons in their hands. The smaller girl, with light brown hair in braids and a derby hat had cheekbones that stuck out prominently and was pouting at a tall man in an old World War II great-coat and shaking an axe at him menacingly. Cam gaped.

The taller girl had mismatched eyes and straight black hair, and was holding a blowtorch, while the sandy haired boy next to her had a noticeable hunch in his back and held a butcher's knife. All three children turned towards him and raised their weapons menacingly.

"Uh, hello." He said in his best 'keep the natives calm' voice.

"Well, hello there." The man, Jack Cam assumed, gave him a bright grin that showed far too many white teeth.

Cam decided that sometimes ignorance is the better part of valor. "Do any of you know how to get to the kitchen? I seem to have gotten turned around somewhere."

"I can show you," the girl with the mismatched eyes smiled innocently at him, showing off two missing front teeth, and Cam felt a shiver of fear go down his spine.

"Uh…" He stuttered.

"No need, Pyrrha, I'll take him." The man interjected, "Follow me."

Cam gratefully trailed him down a set of stairs he hadn't noticed. "Thanks."

Jack grinned, "It wouldn't do to have guests vanish on the first night."

* * *

><p>By the time Jack had led Cam to the kitchen, Cam was fairly certain that his blush was permanent. He'd never met someone as flirtatious, or as lecherous, as Jack. He sighed in relief at seeing Vala seated at the table beside John's cousin Wednesday.<p>

John was leaning against the wall, and Cam's eyebrows nearly hit his hairline when he saw what the other man was wearing. Black boots, skin-tight black jeans, and a neatly tucked black silk dress shirt with the sleeves rolled to his elbows, and what appeared to be a double-breasted black waistcoat from the early 20th century. The man even had a pocket watch on.

Even more startling it seemed as if the man had paled considerably overnight. The light tan he'd previously sported had disappeared, and he was as corpse pale as his aunt and cousin, with black circles beneath his eyes.

It was very different than anything Cam had ever seen his fellow Colonel look like before, but acknowledged that that was mostly uniforms. Gregorius was shoulder to shoulder with John, head resting against the other mans, further confirming Cam's supposition that the two were close.

"Sleep well?" John asked almost mockingly. Cam was surprised by the cruel amusement that shone in the other man's eyes, and a bit disturbed.

"Yes," Cam nodded stiffly, eyeing John. "Thank you, my room was wonderful," he looked over at John's Aunt Morticia who was seated calmly at the table sipping from a teacup. Beside her was a young man in his late teens or early twenties in a classic zoot suit, with a thin mustache and slicked back hair beneath a fedora.

Morticia gave him a thin lipped smile, "Delightful." She glanced over at the young man at the table, "I don't believe you've met my younger son, Pubert?"

Cam blinked at the name, but bit his tongue to keep from commenting, his mama would kill him for being rude to his hosts, "No, not yet. Pleased to meet you," he nodded at the younger man.

"Likewise," the man grinned. The he looked over Cam's shoulder at the still hovering Jack, "Wednesday took Ianto out to the cemetery to gather some yew branches for the ceremony tonight."

Jack grinned another too bright grin, "Thanks Pubert," and strode out the door.

"Ceremony tonight?" Cam asked, puzzled. Christmas wasn't for another four days.

John blinked at him, "It's Winter Solstice," he said, as if that explained everything.

"Uh…"

"Asmodeus, you managed to obtain the goat, yes?" Morticia asked serenely, sipping her tea.

"Yes Auntie. One goat for tonight, and one for Yule; and a boar for Yule, too." John told her.

"Goat?" Vala asked, sipping her own cup of tea.

"Oh yes," Morticia told her, "There must be a goat at Yule, it is tradition."

Cam scratched the back of his neck, but didn't argue. His family never had goat on Christmas, they normally ate ham. But he remembered Daniel muttering something about 'Yule goats' last winter, so he assumed some people ate goat instead.

There were several long moments of silence before Grandmama (as she'd insisted Cam call her) appeared out of nowhere, making him jump. The old woman proceeded to cackle at him, "Snack?" She asked.

Cam rolled his eyes at his uneasiness, "Please." He requested.

"There you go dearie," she told him giving him a plate of crackers and some sort of cheese.

He bit into the first one, "Mmm," he hummed, "What kind of cheese is this? It's delicious." He crunched into another bite.

"Casu Marzu," Morticia told him, "Our relatives in Sardinia send it to us."

"Glad you like it," Grandmama cackled again, before vanishing into the next room.

Cam ate another bite, before he remembered something that had been bothering him. "I meant to ask, is everyone alright?" He asked Morticia.

Morticia blinked, "Why ever do you ask?"

"I heard screaming last night, I wanted to make sure no one was hurt," Cam explained. To his surprise John, Gregorius and Pubert immediately started snickering, and even Morticia seemed amused. Vala simply looked around the table, curiosity evident, unsure of what was happening.

"Sorry about that," Gregorius grinned at him, "I'm a screamer."

Cam choked on his bite of food when John added, "Next time I'll gag him."

* * *

><p>As the day passed, more and more family members descended on the Addams' home, and Cam felt as though his eyes would fall out. The Addams Clan included some very peculiar people. The woman with two heads, the two men covered in hair, the man with three ears.<p>

Cam was really wondering if he ought to call the SGC about a possible invasion. Or at least an alien settlement on Earth. The man with three legs nearly made him make the call, but John's delighted grin at his relatives arrival made him hesitate. Even if the Addams were from another planet, they at least seemed to be peaceful. And if John was an alien (or descended from them), well it wasn't like they didn't have other aliens working at the SGC.

By the time evening began to fall Cam had retreated to the formal drawing room with Vala. He told himself he wasn't hiding; he'd merely retreated to allow the family time to greet one another. Vala had rolled her eyes, but gone along with him.

"What are you doing in here?" A voice asked from the doorway. Cam looked up to see John's Uncle Gomez and his cousin Pugsley.

"Uh…" He stuttered.

Vala rolled her eyes again, and said wryly, with a significant look at Cam, "We didn't want to intrude on the family reunion."

"Nonsense!" Gomez declared, "We love intruders! Who are you again?"

Pugsley smiled meanly, "Cousin Asmodeus brought them Father."

"Ah, of course!" Gomez pulled a cigar from his breast pocket; Cam's eyebrows nearly hit his hairline when he realized it was already lit, "Pre-ceremony cigar?"

"Uh, no thanks," Cam said. "Pre-ceremony?"

"Another hour until moonrise," Gomez looked both Cam and Vala up and down, "You'd best get dressed, we meet in the cemetery in forty-five minutes."

"Dressed?" Vala asked, "Were we supposed to bring a specific outfit?"

"Asmodeus didn't tell you?" At Cam and Vala's head shakes Gomez roared with laughter, "That boy! Such a trickster!"

"Thing, fetch Morticia!" Gomez declared, and Cam barely managed to restrain a scream as the disembodied hand appeared from a box on the side table next to where he'd been sitting and scurried out the door.

Gomez grinned, "Pugsley!" He shouted as if his son wasn't right beside him, "Take…" He looked at Cam questioningly.

"Cam," Vala supplied.

"Cam and dress him properly!" Gomez ordered. "And as for you my dear," he pointed his cigar at Vala.

"Tish!" He called, not bothering to turn around.

"Yes Gomez?" Morticia said from behind him.

"The girl has nothing to wear to the revel tonight," Gomez declared.

"Oh dear," Morticia said, "Come Vala, we'll have you ready in no time."

* * *

><p>"Sing, O Spirits! Harken all souls! Tonight we gather together as one to celebrate this, the darkest of all nights. Generation to generation we gather." Morticia began the ceremony at a stone alter, waving a bough of yew through the air. Her mother and daughter standing behind her, each holding their own bough of yew, and the rest of the family seated throughout the cemetery.<p>

Cam shifted uncomfortably in his vintage 19th century suit. He prayed that no-one else in his team would see him, Vala was bad enough. She was wearing what appeared to be a skin-tight, sleeveless, black ball gown that fastened around her neck in a lace collar and draped in gauzy layers about her legs. Unfortunately since Vala regularly dressed in a leather bustier, Cam was fairly certain she actually liked her outfit.

"Let us join in grief, rejoice in despair, and honor the fortunate dead. We shall carouse together in the darkness, feasting upon the blood of innocents as we pray to the dark forces to guide us throughout the long nights of winter." Morticia continued, and Cam's eyebrows shot up.

'What the hell has Sheppard gotten us into?' he wondered.

"Every year upon the longest night, the night the sun stands still in the heavens; The Dark Night of Souls. This is our time! A time of Darkness! This is the end! The end of the waning sun, every moment henceforth brings about longer days, sunlit days, filled with happiness and cheer." Horrified murmurs swept the crowd at Morticia's pronouncement.

"But not now! Now is for us! For the darkness! A time of blood and of revelry in the deepest of nights! A time when evil and depravity hide in shadows! Our time! Let us bow our heads to the spirits of the darkness!" Morticia called.

"To the dark spirits we dedicate ourselves! May our magic be blessed with your gloom! May your wrath scourge the Earth of all that is Light and cheerful! Carry our voices upon the wind to the Darkest of Spirits! Bless our ritual from the Dark Earth! Bless our ritual from the Watery Depths! Bless our ritual with the flames of Hell itself!" Morticia cried. Wednesday and Grandmama each took a flaming torch and set fire to a large pile of wood nearby. The crowd cheered.

"Allow us to unleash the darkness to fulfil our every desire! Let us ransom you, our ancestors, from the power of the grave! Tonight, o Death, o Darkness, let us be your plague! Dance with us upon the remains of our ancestors as we revel in the joy of the night!" Morticia shouted, "Bring forth the Sacrifice!"

'Sacrifice!' Cam thought alarmed. Upon seeing the girl he'd spoken too earlier, Pyrrha, walk out in a black gown Cam felt alarm shoot through him. Surely they wouldn't sacrifice a child? But no, behind Pyrrha was a goat, and behind the goat was the other young girl he'd seen in the hall- Hagar. He chanted to himself, 'This is another culture, I will not offend them. This is another culture, I will not offend them.'

"The sacrifice for the Darkness, Priestess," the two girls said in time. They handed the lead the goat was on to Wednesday and bowed before stepping back beside Grandmama.

"The Sacrifice!" Morticia cheered, and the crowd echoed her, thirsty to see blood spilled.

Cam whimpered near-silently, thinking, 'At least it's not human.'

The goat was placed on top of the altar, and Cam prepared to look away as Wednesday pulled out a jewel encrusted ritual knife from somewhere on her person. "Asmodeus, my most darling and demented nephew, come forth!" Morticia called.

Cam watched as John stood from the front row in a suit similar to, if more elaborate, than his own. "Asmodeus has brought us the Sacrifice for this night, and all other nights in our Dark Revel, and so the honor of the kill shall go to him."

John walked up beside his cousin, who handed him the blade reverently. He grabbed the goat and lay it down upon the altar. Wednesday held the animal in place, its head stilled by her hand upon its horns.

"For the Darkness!" John called out, raising the blade above his head. Cam shivered at the malevolent glee on John's face, the darkness and shadow made the man look terrifying. Then he brought the knife down and slit the goat's throat in one smooth stroke. Cam didn't even have time to look away, and stared in pure, unadulterated horror.

Blood sprayed, staining John's face. Wednesday, too was quickly covered in blood. Then to Cam's complete horror, John brought his hands into the animal's ruined throat using them to scoop up the blood, like one would water from a creek, and brought the blood to his lips, drinking deeply. He dipped his hands a second time, allowing Morticia to drink from them, and a third for Wednesday. The fourth time was split between Grandmama and the two small girls.

"Let the revelry begin!" John shouted, raising his hands, looking like something out of a horror movie. His hands were still covered in blood, and his lips smeared with it, and his shirt covered in it.

The crowd of Addams let out a cheer and lined up in front of the altar. Cam felt himself be tugged along with the flow of bodies but didn't resist. Vala was on the other side of the cemetery and he wanted her at his side as soon as possible. He didn't know exactly what a 'Dark Revel' was, but he didn't want to be alone during it.

As the crowd surged forward Cam winced, noticing that every Addams was drinking the goat's blood and smearing some on their face or chest, like some twisted form of the Eucharist.

"Is this a traditional Earth ritual?" Vala whispered to him, curious.

"No." Cam was adamant, "Absolutely not. I've never seen anything like this."

Vala nodded, "Will we be expected to…" She trailed off.

Cam could only shrug, "I'll ask one of the Addams we know if I see them."

Vala nodded, and jerked lightly as a pounding drum started up. More bonfires, scattered throughout the cemetery, were lit. Soon alcohol was being passed around the festivities, and Cam saw Ozymandias nearby, lips red from the blood, and cheeks marked with it like war paint take a swig from an unmarked bottle. He nodded at the smaller man, and took Vala's hand to lead her over to him.

"Hey," Cam greeted. Ozymandias simply nodded back. "Uh, we were wondering if we were also supposed to drink the goat blood." Cam was proud that he managed to get that out with a straight face.

Ozymandias shrugged, "It's optional."

"Really," Cam said relief evident in his voice. "Not that I think you guys religion isn't cool or anything, but goat's blood isn't really my thing. I'm Christian," he babbled.

"I'm a Buddhist monk," Ozymandias said with a shrug.

Cam blinked; he hadn't been expecting that, "Um…"

"The revel's starting," Vala said, looking at the crowded cemetery. "What sort of revel is this?" She asked Ozymandias.

"The kind where we all get extremely drunk and dance naked around the bonfires, sometimes take a few to many drugs, and often end up having sex in front of the rest of the family," Methos said from behind them, a green glass bottle at his lips. "Absinthe?"

Cam was fairly certain his face had never been redder.

Vala smacked his shoulder, "You all have been holding out on me!" She complained, "You told me that there were no naked sex party's on… in America."

Cam groaned and clapped a hand over his face.

A cheer went up nearby, and they all glanced over. "Ah, Jack," Methos said fondly, "Never misses a chance to get naked, that one."

Ozymandias nodded and took the offered bottle from Methos.

* * *

><p>It was another five hours before Cam ran into John again near the main bonfire. His fellow colonel was dressed only in a pair of black boxers; his chest was streaked with blood, and he had blood smeared across his lips and right cheek.<p>

Cam flinched because the man was obviously… busy at the time. He had Gregorius plastered to his right side, sucking on his neck while he played with John's right nipple, and there was a woman with her black hair in pigtails who was licking the John's left nipple. John's pupils were blown wide between pleasure and drugs.

"Cam!" John exclaimed, "Join in the fun!"

Cam winced, "I'm good, thanks for the offer."

John shrugged, "Suit yourself." He reached out and tugged one of the woman's pig tails. "Abigail," he moaned, "Stop playing."

The woman pulled back from John's chest and gave a throaty chuckle, "I can't help it if I like your nipple rings Asmodeus." She grinned wickedly.

Cam's eyes immediately flicked down to John's chest, and went wide when he saw the other man did, indeed, have a nipple ring. Two if the glints of silver between Gregorius' fingers meant anything.

"You sure you don't want to join in?" The woman, Abigail, looked up at him. Cam's eyes went to the spider-web tattoo on her neck briefly, "The more the merrier."

"Asmodeus is a _very_ fun toy," Gregorius added throatily, before sucking on John's earlobe.

John let out a very loud groan, "Gory!"

Cam shook his head mutely and fled the area, resolutely ignoring how tight his pants felt. He found a bottle of some sort of alcohol and quickly downed it, trying to shake the image of his half-naked co-worker from his mind. The alcohol definitely helped.

He looked around and winced. It seemed like half of the people there were naked and dancing around one of the bonfires.

Or naked and enjoying the shadows.

He cringed at the loud moan of "Lumpy!" nearby and swiftly moved in a different direction. He found Wednesday, Pugsley, Pubert and a man covered in hair by one of the more distant bonfires. They were sitting on the ground, surrounded by five small children. The two girls from earlier, Hagar and Pyrrha, and the hunchbacked boy were there. As were two other small (identical) boys, both had dark blonde hair, pale eyebrows, and protuberant gray eyes that gave them a permanently surprised look.

All nine were listening raptly to Vala telling a story, "And despite my threats he still wouldn't tell me the codes! So I shot him."

"Vala!" Cam exclaimed. Hurrying towards the fire, he scolded, "What part of classified don't you understand?"

Vala snorted, "Classified! All I have to do is change a few words, and the story is perfectly fine. Lorcan, Lysander and Griswold wanted to hear a story about pirates."

Cam sighed in exasperation, "So you told a story about yourself."

"Well, I am a pirate," Vala pointed out.

"Was," Cam corrected.

"You keep believing that dear," she patted his hand condescendingly.

Cam rolled his eyes, "I suppose I ought to join you to make sure you don't actually give anything away."

"Mmm-hmm," Vala nodded, obviously humoring him. "Here, drink this." She shoved a bottle at him.

He looked down at it but there was no label, "What is it?" He asked looking it over.

The man covered in long hair let out a series of squeaks. Cam blinked, "I'm sorry, but I didn't understand what you just said."

The man squeaked again, but Pugsley interrupted, "What said that it doesn't matter what it is, it tastes good and feels better."

"Ah," Cam said. He looked down at the bottle, and then at the eyes watching him curiously. He had a feeling this was the moment that he would either make it or break it with the Addams Clan. Swallowing down his unease he raised the bottle to his lips and took a swig. He wasn't failing this mission.

He sputtered; whatever was in the bottle was ridiculously strong. "Tastes great," he said hoarsely.

The others all laughed at him, except for Wednesday who merely smirked.

"Help us entertain the children until they fall asleep," Wednesday ordered him. "We will rejoin the revelry once they are in their beds."

Cam nodded, he had plenty of nieces and nephews and little second cousins, and he liked kids. Plus he didn't think he would be missing much if he didn't head back to the party immediately.

"Sure thing," he said amiably, taking another swig of the alcohol with a grimace. "Vala you were just telling about how you met Daniel?"

"Yes," Vala's face lit up. "So there I was in the smelliest disguise ever…"

Cam let out an 'oof' as the little girl, Hagar, dropped into his lap. He smiled and wrapped an arm around her waist.

The Addams were definitely strange, but it was a good kind of strange. Of course, that might have been the alcohol talking.

* * *

><p>December 22<p>

Addams Manor, New Jersey

Most of John's relatives had departed in the early hours of the morning, he knew. Only Gregorius, Ozymandias, Kismet, Abigail, Methos and his Cousin Lycurgus from Miami remained, aside from John and his two guests and the typical denizens of the manor.

John stretched lazily, before resting his chin on his hand as he watched his Aunt Morticia buzz about the Manor.

"Auntie, what's the rush? Modranicht isn't until the 24th, and we already have the goat and the boar." He asked lazily, far too relaxed to be troubled after his fun the night before.

His aunt glared at him, "And it is already the 22nd Asmodeus. If you are not going to help me with the dusting," she paused to sprinkle some more dust across her prized pear of anguish collection, "Either help your cousins gather the Yule Log and fashion the wicker man, or go practice the Mamushka and the traditional sword dances with your uncles."

John raised his hands in submission, and headed off to the ballroom. He didn't feel like traipsing around outside in the cold looking for a log that would meet Wednesday's exacting standards. He'd done that often enough as a child.

As he neared the room, he pulled a sword off the wall. Always best to be prepared. The thrum of music echoed down the corridor and John smiled. The Mamushka was always so exciting to dance.

He walked in the room and immediately ducked the knife thrown at his head.

"Aw, missed!" His uncle snapped his fingers.

"Better luck next time Gomez!" Methos called from beside Uncle Fester, who sat sipping a bottle of arsenic.

John grinned and joined in the fun.

* * *

><p>Cam was sitting in the kitchen watching Grandmama cook with a frown on his face when John entered the room. John immediately headed for the pot of stew Grandmama was preparing for lunch, dipping a finger in.<p>

He nearly lost that finger when Grandmama stabbed at him with her knife, "Wait for it to be finished." She scolded as John popped the finger into his mouth.

"Mmm," John said, "Badger and death cap toadstools, my favorite."

"Off with you," Grandmama shooed him, "I haven't even added the frogspawn yet."

John simply laughed and kissed her cheek, "Come on," he told Cam, "Best not to get in her way."

John led the way out of the manor towards where his cousins were working, "The others should have found the Yule Log by now," he said, "But we can still help build the wicker man."

"Wicker man?" Cam asked hesitantly.

John assumed that Cam thought he and Grandmama had been joking about the stew's ingredients. They weren't.

"To burn in effigy. It represents all who would subdue us," John explained with his cruelest smirk.

"That's," Cam hesitated, "interesting."

"We could always burn_ him_ instead, Asmodeus," Wednesday stared flatly at Cam.

John shook his head in dismay, "Human sacrifices aren't allowed anymore, Wednesday. Not after what happened to Grandmother and Grandfather Addams."

John smirked as Cam swallowed heavily when the gathered Addams all stared at him.

"Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc," Kismet told him genially.

"You'd do well to remember that," Gregorius said with a nasty smile. Cam swallowed nervously again, seeing the cruel grins directed at him. John smirked even wider at the sight.

* * *

><p>"So are there any festivities tonight?" Vala asked over lunch. John glanced up at her but quickly returned to his stew. He'd only get to enjoy Grandmama's cooking for a little longer, and he wanted to relish it while he could.<p>

"Not tonight," Pugsley told her.

"Most everyone's left for their own places," Morticia elaborated, "We celebrate the Solstice as a Clan but Modranicht and Yule are more intimate family gatherings. Although we do host a ball on Yule night for those who are able to come."

Vala nodded taking a bite of her stew, "I see."

"If the carolers are stupid enough to come by again this year you can join us in our traditional Addams wassailing." Pubert offered.

Vala smiled, and Cam grinned at the young man. "Sounds like fun," Cam slapped his thigh in enthusiasm.

"It is for us," Wednesday deadpanned.

* * *

><p>"This isn't wassailing!" Cam cried.<p>

John looked at him in confusion, "Of course it is."

"No, no, no. See Jackson gave me a whole lecture on this last year- wassailing is this British thing where people sing to trees and drink cider to their health. To scare off evil demons," Cam's hands waved wildly through the air.

"Why would we want to scare off the evil demons?" Abigail asked, confused. The rest of the Addams stared at him, perplexed.

Vala snickered into her hand, "Cameron, darling, stop trying. This is much more interesting." Cam face-palmed.

Methos said into the silence, "Wassailing also refers to the custom of wenches going about town with the wassail, offering it to men to drink, singing them songs, and demanding payment. By the Victorian era wassailing simply meant caroling, and home-owners would give the carolers drinks and pastries."

Cam stared at him, "How do you even…" He paused, "Never mind. But this still isn't wassailing!"

John looked over from where he was helping Grandmama mix the steaming wassail, "Sure it is," he told the distraught Colonel, "They come to our house caroling, and we show our appreciation with a piping hot beverage as payment in return."

Cam gaped at John, who smiled at him. John was relieved that Cam seemed to understand the tradition now, and wasn't arguing back anymore.

John peered at the carolers who had begun to sing "Joy to the World" and John made a horrified face, duplicated by the rest of his family.

"Make them stop," Pubert urged, hands over his ears.

"This song," Morticia said faintly, "It's so… joyous. Grandmama, if you would."

"One, two, three, now!" Grandmama counted off, and then she and Lurch tipped over the extra-large cauldron filled with wassail.

John peered over the ledge as the burning hot liquid fell onto the heads of the unsuspecting carolers below. As their screams pierced the night, the whole family (and Vala) let out a raucous cheer. Cam stared in horror as the carolers fled into the night.

As the last one fled the property the gate slammed shut behind them.

"Now that was a grand 'assailing'!" Joked Lycurgus with a wolfish grin. The others chuckled at the pun.

* * *

><p>December 23<p>

Addams Manor, New Jersey

"Mother, the neighborhood Christmas vandal has struck again!" Pubert called as he entered the manor's conservatory.

"Oh dear," Morticia frowned lightly before asking indulgently as she cut off a hellebore bud, "Was it your brother again?"

Pubert shook his head, "No. Nor was it Uncle Fester, I've already checked."

"A vandal?" John looked over at his cousin from where he'd been throwing knives at Lycurgus. "At Christmas? What sort of vandal?" He asked eagerly, tossing another knife without looking.

"Missed again, Asmodeus!" Lycurgus crowed before detaching himself from the wall to peer curiously at Pubert as well.

"Drat," John muttered. Cam was sitting between Morticia and Kismet, watching this all with a look of resigned horror on his face. John thought he was really adapting quite well.

"The worst sort!" Pubert declared, "Mother, we simply must help out the neighbors in cleaning up the mess this… man has made."

"Of course, darling," Morticia nodded as she snipped off another flower bud. "Thing?"

Thing snapped its fingers twice and scurried off.

"Pubert, go fetch your brother and sister and your cousins," Morticia commanded, "We shall go help the neighbors. It's the proper thing to do, with the Yuletide spirit and all."

"Yes Mother," Pubert agreed as he too scurried off.

"Do you all want any help?" Cam offered warily. After the wassailing issue the night before he wasn't sure he trusted the Addams definition of a 'vandal' but he was always willing to lend a helping hand to the neighbors.

"That's very kind of you to offer dear," Morticia patted his knee, "Do you think your Vala would like to lend a hand as well?"

"Sure, she'd be happy to," Cam volunteered Vala. He didn't want to have to suffer alone if it turned out that the Addams' version of helping their neighbors was as strange as their version of wassailing.

"Asmodeus and Kismet, do me a favor and fetch the crossbows, boys. Lycurgus, run and get Uncle Fester. Make sure he remembers to pack the dynamite this time!" The three men ran off to do the woman's bidding.

Cam put his face in his hands. "What have I gotten us into now?" He moaned.

"There, there," Morticia patted his knee again before casually snipping off yet another flower, she sighed, "Why must these despicable blooms attempt to ruin my garden every year."

* * *

><p>John whooped as Lurch peeled the car around another corner, and carefully took aim with his crossbow. Making sure the flaming bolt was lined up properly he released the arrow. The entire car let out a cheer as the bolt flew true, puncturing yet another of the horrifying inflatable creatures wearing a Santa suit. Thing gave him a thumbs up.<p>

"Oh my God!" Cam laughed, "Who the hell has a yard full of inflatable Mickey Mouse Santas!"

"Our turn," Pugsley exclaimed, hopping out of the car with Uncle Fester to place something at the feet of yet another of the Disney monstrosities.

"Fire in the hole!" Fester shouted gleefully as the two men ran back to the car. Behind them the entire yard exploded, flinging the two men to the ground. As they climbed back into the car laughing evilly, he said, "Oops."

The entire front yard of the house had been destroyed, leaving a cavernous hole in the ground. Bits of dirt and plastic that had once been dozens of inflatable Christmas Mickey and Minnie Mouse's drifted to the ground as Lurch threw the car into gear.

Behind them a man appeared in the doorway to the house, "Addams!" He shouted waving his fist.

"Too much nitroglycerin," Pugsley noted then he shrugged, "On to the next house!"

The rest of the car cheered, and even Wednesday smiled thinly. Vala grinned brightly at the other woman, "I haven't had this much fun since we took those party-goers hostage in a museum!"

"That's always a fun way to spend an afternoon," Wednesday deadpanned.

"Especially if you use a bazooka!" Uncle Fester added cheerfully.

"I packed one in the trunk," John smirked. He knew what they'd be doing to the next house the vandal had struck.

* * *

><p>Cam was walking down one of the halls late that evening when he heard familiar voices. He was about to join them when he realized the conversation was private. He paused outside the door, curiosity overwhelming the guilt.<p>

"I can't keep doing this," Gregorius said.

"Doing what?" John sounded puzzled.

"This!" Gregorius exclaimed, "This hiding away! This being your dirty little secret, Asmodeus!"

"I thought you liked being my dirty little secret?" John seemed surprised.

"I did," Gregorius seemed subdued, "But we're not actually a secret anymore, are we? Everyone knows about us. Dark spirits below, Aunt Morticia put us in the same room."

"Okay, so everyone knows Gory," John said, "We're not a secret anymore. That's what you want right?"

"Yes!" Gregorius said, "No! I don't know."

"What do you want me to do Gory?" John asked sincerely, "Do you want me to shout it from the rooftops? I'd do anything you want me to."

Cam was surprised, he'd realized that the two had slept together, but he hadn't realized they were in a relationship.

"I know, Mody," Gregorius said. He hesitated, "I suppose what I want is for us to be, official. To be in a real relationship, instead of just… casual."

John was silent for a moment, "Gory-" he began but was quickly cut off.

"I was okay with the casual thing, Mody, really I was!" Gregorius explained rapidly, "You knew you wanted to fly from the time we were kids, and you knew if you wanted to fly you'd have to hide. Hide our family, and hide our ways and our darkness, and hide yourself. And I… I didn't want to have to be one more thing you had to hide." Gregorius finished quietly.

"Gory," John's voice sounded choked with emotion.

Cam flinched, imagining having to hide everything he was just to fly. It was almost an unbearable thought, but John had done it. Suddenly it struck Cam that John inviting Vala and him here was some sort of coming out. He felt… honored to have been so trusted by the other man. He swore to himself that he wouldn't betray that trust.

"But Mody, the rules have changed now. And we wouldn't have to hide anymore," Gregorius' voice was as choked with emotion as John's.

"I love you Mody." Gregorius said, and John drew in a sharp breath, "I've loved you since we were fourteen and you gave me that wonderfully wicked grin of yours while we broke into the potions lab to steal the ingredients we needed to make that Draught of Delirium we fed to Calloway for destroying our 'Schizos and Serial Killers' trading cards."

Cam blinked. While creepy, that declaration definitely fit with what he'd seen of the Addams Clan, and was sort of sweet in its own, bizarre, way.

John was silent for nearly a whole minute. "Gregorius Addams Sanders, I've been in love with you since we were thirteen," he said at last, "and I found those voodoo dolls of my step-father and brother under your bed."

Gregorius let out a strangled laugh.

"I don't want to hide anymore either Gory," John finished.

Both men were silent for a long while, and Cam was about to start walking away when Gregorius spoke up again.

"So we're doing this for real now?" He said.

"Yeah," John agreed, "For real. That means no seeing other people you know," he teased.

Gregorius snorted, "I haven't had sex without you in over five years. You?"

John's voice was soft, "Not since before Afghanistan."

Gregorius sounded stunned, "Really?"

"Really," John confirmed, "What about the two of us with someone else?"

Gregorius was silent for a bit, "Only if we both agree ahead of time. Or during Revels."

"Deal," John said immediately.

Cam heard the sound of kissing, and decided he'd eavesdropped long enough. As he walked back down the hall the way he'd come he heard the two men one last time.

"I love you, my Demon," Gregorius said.

"And I love you, my Poison," John responded.

* * *

><p>December 24<p>

Addams Manor, New Jersey

Christmas Eve morning dawned bright and clear, much to the dismay of the Addams family.

"It's so… bright," Gomez said mournfully.

"There, there mon cher, that's what the curtains are for- pour empêcher le soleil." Morticia said as she closed the blinds decisively.

"Tish, that's French!" Gomez cried, grabbing his wife's arm and beginning to kiss his way up to her neck.

Cam and Vala stared in surprise as the couple began aggressively making out at the kitchen table. None of the other Addams so much as blinked at the sight, instead concentrating on their breakfast and making idle conversation.

John was smiling indulgently at Gregorius as he enthusiastically discussed the pros and cons of some sort of DNA sequencer with Abigail and Lycurgus. Listening to the forensics geeks' talk about their grisly field always made him shiver in pleasure.

He sipped his mug of othalanga tea and grimaced. Too much sugar. He added a teaspoonful of salt to counter the disgusting sweetness and went back to staring at Gregorius.

His partner. His lover. His dark, savage beast from the deepest pits of hell. Gregorius glanced over at him briefly and gave him a small smirk. John smirked back.

Beside him Methos snorted. John glanced over at him, raising a dark brow in silent query.

Methos gave him a puckish grin, "It's about time you two got your act together," he said quietly. "We've all been watching and waiting, but you two are more oblivious than Cousin Dimwatt."

John felt himself flush, "It was none of your business," he hissed angrily.

Methos snorted, "Of course it was. You're my nephews, and you two were making each other miserable. And not on purpose, either." He scolded. John looked away, one was only supposed to torture their family on purpose.

Methos took a swig from a bottle of Uncle Fester's homebrew, "Plus, I had money on you in the pool. You two couldn't have figured it out last Beltane?" He complained.

John sighed and sipped his tea. Of course his family was wagering on his love life. They were worse than Chuck, Atlantis' unofficial bookie John technically didn't know about. There were very few things that man wouldn't take a wager on. The Addams, however, would wager on anything.

"Who won?" John asked out of morbid curiosity.

"Who do you think?" Methos asked bitterly.

"Grandmama," both men said at the same time.

They both turned to look at the old woman stirring her cauldron over the hearth. "What else did you expect boys?" She cackled without ever turning around to look at them.

* * *

><p>Cam watched curiously as the Addams clan gathered around the large log (tree trunk really) that was to be that years Yule log. One by one each member of the family took out a knife from somewhere on their person and carved their hopes and desires for the coming year into it.<p>

Cam couldn't tell what they were carving for the most part, and none of them shared the meanings of the carvings, but he felt honored to be watching. It took hours for them to complete the carvings- beginning with Grandmama and ending with Kismet.

When the Addams finished their carvings he saw Grandmama nod to John. John gave her what Cam now knew to be his typical smirk and turned to Vala.

"Here," he said to the absolutely flabbergasted woman, "It's your turn."

Vala looked up at John with tears in her eyes, "Thank you," she said hoarsely, and then met each of the Addams steady gazes, "Thank you all so much."

Cam felt a shock of shame shoot through him as he realized this was the first time anyone on Earth had truly accepted Vala without reservation. The Addams didn't care she'd been a pirate or a thief or a con-artist, like the SGC. They didn't judge her for being a former host, like so many others did both on and off Earth. Even SG-1, the people Vala should trust to accept her for exactly who she was tended to judge her harshly at times.

Cam closed his eyes briefly and promised he'd do his best to keep an open mind from now on, and not judge Vala for her past misdeeds.

Vala's hand was steady as she held the knife to the log, and Cam watched as she stared at the log for several long moments before beginning to carve. He didn't recognize the symbols she drew, or the words she carved nearby. He didn't know the writing system at all, he realized, and wondered if it came from Vala's home-world.

He would never ask. Vala never spoke of her youth or her home-world, and Cam figured she had good reason not to. That she spoke more easily of her time as a host than she did of her childhood was telling.

Vala carved for a long time, but when she finished she sat back, a look of peace on her face. Abigail reached over and grabbed her hand, squeezing it. Vala squeezed back, and then held the knife out to Cam, who took it reverently.

He looked down at the log and thought about what he hoped for the next year. Making up his mind he began to carve.

* * *

><p>As the sun set John followed his cousins out into the swamp. Modranicht was beginning. Beside him Kismet led the goat.<p>

He glanced over at his cousin, "Feeling more like yourself again?" He asked.

Kismet smiled darkly, "Oh yes, you were right. Some time with the family is just what I needed."

John nodded, and Kismet continued, "I've already picked up three contracts for the New Year; it'll be nice to get back into the field."

John smiled back at him and said darkly, "Do let me know how you kill them; I'm always looking for new and creative ways to kill people in my job too."

"Of course," Kismet agreed amiably, "I'll send you an e-mail after I finish each job. I already know I'm going to poison at least one of them."

"Sounds like fun," John said wistfully. "I so rarely get to poison people these days."

"Oh it will be fun," Kismet confirmed as they entered the grotto.

"What are you planning to use?" John asked.

"I'm not sure yet. Perhaps sleeping pills and alcohol," Kismet said.

"May I recommend strychnine?" John suggested, "So you can watch them writhe in agony before their death."

Kismet hummed in thought, but before he could reply the ceremony began.

"Welcome my Dark Children," Morticia said. "Tonight is Modranicht. It is a night of devotion to the Great Mother, the Phantom Queen. A night for all mothers to be honored by their children, and a night to ensure the fertility of the following year. Mama?"

"On Modranicht we thank our Phantom Queen for the blessings she has brought us- war, death, destruction." Grandmama said wistfully. John glanced over at Cam and Vala. Cam's eyebrows had about hit his hairline, and Vala looked intrigued.

"Let us bow our heads in prayer," Grandmama continued, and John bowed his head willingly. "Queen of Phantoms. Blood soaked earth and rushing river ford are your domain. Your gifts are madness, death, and battle-frenzy. You appear, dancing from sword point to shield rim, I pray to you with a crow's voice, shrieking. I pray to you with strength and anger.

"Queen of Nightmares. The joining of rivers and deep delving caves are your domain. Your gifts are prophecy, destruction, or victory. You appear, washing the clothes of the doomed, red with gore, I pray to you with a voice of blood, crimson. I pray to you with pain and sorrow.

"Great Queen. The boiling whirlpool and fertile field are your domain. Your gifts are sovereignty, success, and victory. You appear, offering your blessing to those willing to pay the price. I pray to you with a wolf's voice, howling. I pray to you with passion and purpose." She cried throwing her arms into the air.

The gathered Addams let loose a ragged cheer as Grandmama finished her prayer. "Now we shall bless the fields with fertility for the coming year," Grandmama commanded, "Bring forth the goat!"

Kismet stood and led the goat to Grandmama, who took out a ceremonial knife and declared, "In the name of the Great Mother, the Phantom Queen, the Queen of Nightmares, I shed the blood of this noble beast!" And slit the throat of the goat.

John saw Cam wince, but Vala didn't even blink. He smirked, he'd had a feeling the space pirate would get along well with his family, and he was pleased to see he'd been right.

"Come forth Addams, and gather the life's blood of the sacrifice." Grandmama commanded. The family members obediently got into line. His eyebrows rose as he saw Vala step into line behind Abigail, glancing at the other woman uncertainly. Abigail beamed at her. He hadn't seen that one coming.

Then again, John never saw it coming.

"Drums!" Grandmama ordered, and Ozymandias slipped to where the Addams family war drums stood ready and waiting. He took the goat's blood he'd gathered and poured it onto the top of the drum before striking up a pounding rhythm. The blood sprayed across him and the surrounding area with each hit as John watched eagerly.

As each member of the family gathered the blood in the small goblets they brought for the occasion, Grandmama spoke once more, "Go forth into the swamp, across the wood, through the fields and sprinkle the blessings of the Mother onto the land! Allow this life's blood to grant fertility and great bounty to the land which provides for us!" With that she lit the large bonfire they had prepared.

"Let the Queen of Nightmares see our devotion to her ways, to war, to destruction; and strike fear into the hearts of those who would subdue us! Let Her allow us victory over our enemies! Let Her see the blood spilled in her name and rejoice in the blood-soaked earth!" She tossed the effigy of the wicker man into the flames, crying out "For the Mother of War!"

"For the Mother!" the Addams roared in response, stirred into a frenzy.

John quickly stripped off his clothes. The Blessing of the Fields was to be performed naked. He gathered up his goblet of goat's blood and turned to Gregorius. They shared a wicked grin before simultaneously shouting a war cry that was quickly echoed by the rest of his family. Together they ran into the welcoming darkness, sprinkling drops of blood behind them as they journeyed.

When their goblets lay empty they twirled about the dark wood they'd ended up in laughing and painting each other with the remnants of the blood on their fingertips. At last they crashed together, tongues dancing and teeth biting, being sure to draw the other's blood.

They wrestled across the leaf strewn ground, fighting for dominance. After a vicious fight Gregorius gained the upper hand, pressing his full weight down on John, his hands holding John's wrist's above his head, grip hard enough to bruise.

John looked into his lover's eyes, shining with mischievousness. John smirked coyly at him. "Well," he goaded, "Get on with it," thrusting his hips up.

Gregorius smirked, ground his own hips down into John and said the ritual words needed to complete the last part of the Modranicht rites, "May the Mother be blessed by this union," before lowering his lips to John's.

That was the last coherent thing either of them said for the rest of the night.

* * *

><p>December 25<p>

Addams Manor, New Jersey

Cam was seated at the kitchen table as one by one the various Addams (and Vala) traipsed in through the door. He'd headed back to the manor alongside of Grandmama the night before instead of running off into the wilderness. It was nearly ten in the morning before the last of the Addams, Abigail, arrived hand in hand with Vala.

Thus he had been the one to help the old woman place the Yule log into the fire at midnight. He'd done so happily, it was an interesting tradition, and the only one he thought he'd ever mention to anyone else.

Once Abigail and Vala had returned to the manor (and Cam was hoping no one would ever see the photo of his flabbergasted face Ozymandias had taken upon his seeing their arrival) and dressed, the family quickly gathered in the kitchen for a late breakfast.

As Cam ate the interesting looking food in front of him (he wasn't quite sure what it was, and he knew better than to ask) and tried to ignore the leaves sticking out of Vala's hair. And John's. He listened intently as the family discussed plans for the day.

"Presents after breakfast?" Pubert looked at his mother.

"Are you sure you wouldn't like to wait longer, dear? There's always the chance the suspense might kill you?" She asked wistfully.

Pubert seemed to consider this but shook his head. "After breakfast," he declared.

John leaned over and whispered to Cam and Vala, "Who chooses the time for presents to be opened changes every year. This year is Pubert's turn."

"Lad knows what he wants," Gomez said proudly, handing his youngest son a cigar.

"Pass the salt," Wednesday looked over at Cam, who was startled that the woman was speaking to him. "Now," she ordered.

Cam quickly handed over the salt and ignored Pugsley who was poking his food while it poked back. His food was already dead. He'd checked. Twice.

He'd learned after lunch on his first day here.

John looked over at his aunt, "When shall we perform the sword dance?"

She frowned lightly, "This afternoon I think, after the songs."

John nodded and ate a bite of food, "Delicious, as always, Grandmama!"

"What about the boar hunt?" Gregorius asked eagerly.

"After we open gifts," Morticia decided with a nod.

"Shall we use blunt or serrated weapons this year?" Lycurgus asked as he obsessively straightened his napkin.

"Why not both?" John answered cheerily.

"The ball begins at eight?" Abigail looked up at Morticia.

"Yes dear."

Abigail smiled over at Vala, "Don't worry, we'll find you a dress to wear."

Kismet looked at Cam, "You can wear the same suit you did to the solstice. You didn't even get any blood on it." He sighed, "It's so hard to get blood out of you clothes."

"Demon goo too," Ozymandias said sagely, and all of the other Addams nodded in agreement. Cam pretended not to hear that.

"When's the next full moon Oz?" Abigail asked through a mouthful of food.

"Next week," Ozymandias shrugged. Cam didn't want to know.

"Do you want company?" Methos asked. Ozymandias shrugged again.

"I'll bring the stun gun!" Pugsley said gleefully.

"I'll get the shotgun." Wednesday said flatly.

Lurch groaned.

* * *

><p>Cam was staring in resigned horror.<p>

John was beaming brightly.

"I saw it, Auntie, Uncle, and I knew I simply had to get it for you," John grinned at them as they cooed over their present.

"The original trunk H.H. Holmes gassed little Alice and Nellie to death in!" Morticia said happily, "Oh look, Gomez, you can still see some of their putrefied remains!"

"Nail marks, too, Cara Mia!" Gomez puffed on his cigar, "They must have tried to claw their way out."

John went on to present the other members of his family with presents ranging from one of Elizabeth Bathory's razors (for Wednesday) to a painting done in human blood (for Abigail's lab) to a complete collectible card collection of "Schizos and Serial Killers" that had been signed by any killers still alive (for Gregorius).

As the other members of the family continued to present each other with gifts just as horrifying and macabre, Cam let out a small whimper.

What the hell had he gotten himself into?

* * *

><p>Colonel Cameron Mitchell was very, very drunk.<p>

After the horror of the gift exchange he'd asked John to get him the strongest alcohol the family had available. John had shrugged and given him a bottle of Trinski Vodka.

"Try this, its sent by some cousins over at St. Trinian's." John told him.

"St. Trinian's?" Cam asks, opening the bottle and taking a swig. He proceeded to choke and gag at the extraordinarily strong alcohol. John laughed at him.

"Girls school in England that Tara and Tanya attend," John explained, "It's tradition for the women in the family to attend there. Has been since the French Revolution."

John smirked evilly, "I'd give you some of the stuff from St. Cyprian's, which is the school the men in the family traditionally attend, but I don't want you to die on me. Worst the Trinski will do is blind you." John told him before wandering off.

Cam glanced down at the bottle and then shrugged, taking another swig. He then proceeded to drink half of a bottle of the Trinski Vodka before he passed out. By the time he woke up again four hours later he'd managed to completely obliterate all memories of the earlier gift exchange.

And how to tie his shoes.

Luckily Thing was there to help him out.

* * *

><p>John looked over as Cam stumbled into the kitchen looking distinctly green. He shook his head; apparently the other man could not handle alcohol. With a shrug as Cam proceeded to vomit into one of Grandmama's smaller cauldrons he continued to gut the boar.<p>

"We'd hoped you'd been pricked by a spindle," Pugsley said mournfully from where he was tying the intestines into knots.

"Huh," Cam said in confusion.

"You know, Sleeping Beauty?" Lycurgus asked, "Princess cursed at birth to fall into an enchanted sleep by a spindle."

Cam blinked, "True love's kiss, right."

Wednesday frowned at him, "That's not how the story goes." She said without inflection.

John nodded his agreement, the story of Sleeping Beauty was that in her enchanted sleep she was raped and impregnated by the king, and only awoke when her newborn sucked the poisoned piece of flax from her finger. She later married the king.

All of the Addams agreed she should have killed her rapist after forcing him to acknowledge their child as his heir, therefore ensuring the child's, and her own, future. Rape was an unforgiveable crime.

No Addams would stoop to such things. And if they did, well… they wouldn't be around for long. That's what disownment and unmarked graves were for.

John snorted derisively, "True love's kiss, what utter crap. Like that's what happened." He stabbed viciously into the boar.

"It isn't?" Cam asked in confusion. His nose wrinkled at the smell of the boar. Apparently he'd missed the Addams hunt for it.

"No," Gregorius said, "I've never even heard of the version you're talking about."

Cam raised a brow, "You've never seen the movie?"

"Movie?" Pugsley frowned at him, "There's a movie?"

"It's…" Abigail shuddered, sounding horrified, and hissed, "Disney."

"No!" came the horror-filled outcry at once from all sides.

John physically recoiled from the mere thought and let out a disgusted hiss.

Vala looked back and forth in confusion, "What's wrong with Disney?"

John bared his teeth at her, and Gregorius literally growled.

Ozymandias blinked at him, "That's my job."

* * *

><p>The Yule songs went over well, if John said so himself. The particularly rousing rendition of "Slay Bells Ringing" was fantastic. The following Sword Dance was a blast, most of the family fighting and dancing while the rest clapped. Of course it ended with Uncle Fester's Annual Dynamite Show.<p>

Now John glanced around the ballroom. This was his least favorite of the holiday traditions. Give him a Dark Revel over a Ballroom Waltz any day. Standing beside him sipping the wassail was Gregorius.

Then the music changed to a classic swing tune. John smiled softly into his own cider. Much better.

"Mody?" Gregorius held out his hand. John took it gladly.

"Dance with me, Asmodeus, my Demon." Gregorius said sultrily, "Dance with me like we will when the hounds of hell are closing in to bring us to our eternal damnation."

John shivered, "I'd be delighted my Poison."

The two pressed together and began to dance a wild swing. Soon other family members had circled around them clapping and cheering as with every beat they spun and twirled faster and faster, trading off the lead- back and forth, back and forth. Their feet flew across the floor as they skipped and hopped and kicked. They flung one another out and spun them back in, reading the subtlest cues in the others body.

* * *

><p>Cam stared in awe as John and Gregorius danced. He'd never seen anything like it before. He gasped as Gregorius flipped John through the air, and let loose a cheer when John returned the favor. It was beautiful to see them move together.<p>

He cheered with the rest of the gathered Addams clan as the music stopped.

And laughed with them when Jack looked at his own partner and said, "Come on Ianto, let's show them how it's really done."

And Ianto looked back and deadpanned, "No."

He meandered over to the buffet, looking for something vaguely edible. He nearly sighed in relief when he spotted the eggnog. Hearing someone approaching him, he turned to see John and smiled in greeting. The smile faded a bit when he saw John's cousin Wednesday was with him.

He poured himself a glass of eggnog, and watched John pile what looked like barbecued bat, fried tarantulas and an eyeball on his plate. Cam pointedly looked away as John crunched into a spider with relish, and took a sip of the eggnog.

He started in surprise. It was delicious, better even than his Grandma's. He quickly drained the glass and refilled it.

"This eggnog is fantastic!" Cam enthusiastically took another swallow. "The almonds you put in it really make a difference."

John took the offered glass from Cam's hand and took a sip. Then he rolled his eyes, "Wednesday, I can't believe you spiked the eggnog!"

"Spiked?" Cam drank the rest of his glass, and looked over at John's cousin. "I thought this stuff was already alcoholic." He refilled his glass again. "Seriously this is delicious."

"It's to die for." Wednesday looked over at Cam with a completely blank expression.

Slowly she brought an old glass bottle with skull and crossbones on the side to her lips and drank deeply. She smiled malevolently, "Isn't that right Asmodeus?"

Cam looked down at the glass in his hand, eyes wide in a panic, "What?"

John simply laughed, "Don't worry Cam, a little cyanide never hurt anyone!"

Cam squeaked, and John laughed again, "C'mon, let's go see how Vala's doing." He leaned into whisper in Cam's ear, "Seriously, don't worry about it, I made sure you both had some of Grandmama's Tolerance Potion on the plane here. You can eat whatever and not worry about it."

"What?" Cam asked again his face a mixture of terror and confusion.

John shook his head ruefully, "Trust me, none of us want a repeat of what happened to that poor little Oliver."

"Little Oliver?" Cam repeated.

"We don't speak of it." John said seriously, before waving cheerfully at someone who had called out to him and headed over to say hello.

Cam stared after him wide-eyed.

"Oh dear," a misty eyed blonde said dreamily to the man beside her. "The Blibbering Humdingers have gotten him."

The man patted her hand, "So sad."

The band struck up a tango, and Gomez Addams whipped Morticia out onto the floor.

* * *

><p>December 26<p>

Addams Manor, New Jersey

Vala woke up slowly the morning after the Earth holiday of 'Christmas' or 'Yule' as the Addams called it. She stretched, feeling the few kinks in her muscles work themselves out.

Looking up at the cracked and faded ceiling she thought back on the last several days. At first she had been uncertain, not really knowing Colonel Sheppard, and feeling out of place when surrounded by his family. They had seemed strange, and she hadn't known what to make of the odd, dark family.

By her third day at the manor that had changed. She'd chatted happily with Morticia and Grandmama and had begun to get to know Abigail. As if awoken by Vala thinking her name the other woman began to stir.

Vala reached out and ran a hand through her hair, "Good morning."

Abigail glared around the room, "No it isn't the suns out." She said voice heavy with sleep.

Vala let out a chuckle, "Allow me." She stood, uncaring of her nakedness, to close the blinds and block out the sun. Turning around she felt Abigail's green eyes watching her.

"You're beautiful," Abigail told her.

Vala felt a shock run through her. She knew she was good-looking. She would not have been chosen as Qetesh's host otherwise. But rarely had anyone told her so, so very plainly without wanting something in return.

Abigail noticed her surprise, "You are." She smiled crookedly, "Inside and out."

Vala shook her head, she wasn't a good person.

Abigail grabbed her hand and drew her back to the bed. "Yes, you are Vala Mal Doran." She was silent for a moment, "I don't know where you came from, or who you were, but I know this Vala." She put her hand on Vala's chin and raised her head to meet her eyes, "You accepted us Addams without hesitation, exactly as we are, and you didn't try to change us, or insult us, or get so drunk you can't remember your own name."

Vala smirked, recognizing the reference to Cam the day before.

Abigail continued, "You joined right in the family fun. You have your own dark streak Vala. But we Addams like the dark. You fit, here in the darkness, with me." She smiled cryptically.

"I know Asmodeus appreciates your easy acceptance of everything Addams." Abigail paused briefly, before continuing almost shyly, "I certainly appreciated meeting you."

Vala didn't even have to think about it, she immediately leaned forward and pressed her lips to Abigail's.

"I appreciated meeting you too," she murmured against the other woman's soft lips before deepening the kiss.

The women did not join the rest of the family for quite some time.

* * *

><p>That last day John spent as much time with his family as possible. He would be leaving late that night to take the red-eye flight back to Colorado. (The Addams family plane was being flown by Uncle Methos to take Kismet and himself to Europe. John knew better than to ask 'why'.) Gregorius was a constant beside him, neither man wanted to let the other leave their sight.<p>

But still the time came when he knew he had to get going. He felt miserably about it. And not the good kind of miserable either. After lunch he packed up his things with Thing's help. Thing tried to insist he bring many more of his own clothes back with him then he'd left with.

As he argued with the hand, his Aunt Morticia swept into the room. "Asmodeus," she said.

John looked over at her as she sat down on his bed, and sat down next to her when she patted the space beside her. "Yes Auntie?"

Morticia was silent, "It seems the wretched time when you must once more depart from our company draws nearer."

John nodded silently. Gregorius put a hand on his shoulder solemnly.

"Look at me nephew." She commanded. John immediately met her eyes. "I do not know why you insist on serving in _the military_," her lips curled in disgust. "But you are an Addams, and it is folly to attempt to convince an Addams to stop."

She went quiet for a moment, and John waited patiently, "I do know that I am tired of having to watch you hide your true self. Tired of watching you bury your darkness, and deny your love for the unspeakable evil that is Gregorius. Every time you come home you are so far from your true self that it makes my heart ache in a way I cannot bring myself to appreciate," Morticia said serenely.

"You are my sister's son, but I raised you as if you were my own, and I adore you as though you were born of my loins while I labored in unspeakable agony. I want you to promise me something, Asmodeus."

John raised a single eyebrow.

"Stop denying who you are; my demented, demon of a boy. Embrace your darkness, and use it to propel you to success in all of your endeavors. You are an Addams. Act like one," Morticia commanded.

"I am an Addams," John agreed holding his head up proudly. Morticia nodded serenely and stood.

"Do come home soon, my son," she caressed his cheek, and glided back out the door.

Gregorius squeezed his shoulders. "Let's finish your packing, and then we can start on mine."

"Yours?" John looked up at him in confusion. Gregorius had been planning to stay through the New Year.

"Oh yes," Gregorius said innocently as he began to pack John's weapons, "Didn't I tell you? I've changed my flight. I'll be flying to Colorado Springs tonight, and then I have a layover until the 29th."

John gaped at him, "Really?" He asked disbelievingly.

Gregorius smiled at him, "Really. There's an auction on some vintage Spanish Inquisition torture equipment in Denver on the 28th; I got us a hotel room in the city. I know you don't have to report back to base until eight in the morning on the 28th, so we have all of tonight and tomorrow to ravage each other."

John grabbed Gregorius and slammed their lips together harshly. They didn't get any packing done for the next couple of hours.

* * *

><p>The flight home proved uneventful, except for Vala trying to con someone in a horrific outfit into buying her a new watch. It had almost worked before Cam had seen what she was doing and freaked out. John really hadn't thought he was <em>that<em> uptight.

The next two days were far more eventful, and John relished every moment of Gregorius' company. That last night was particularly wonderful, Gregorius had been some unhinged fiend of hell, determined to ensure John wouldn't forget him. John had gladly reciprocated.

* * *

><p>December 28<p>

Colorado Springs, Colorado

John sulked in the Gate Room. He hadn't even left yet and he already missed Gregorius. He shifted, and hid a smile. He was sore from Gregorius' goodbye. It had been wonderful. His wrists and ankles both felt raw as the cloth rubbed against him. He knew he'd be having a hard time sitting properly for the next few days.

He smirked. Gregorius would be having a very similar issue from his own enthusiastic farewell. Every time either of them moved they would feel the other. A way to be together even light years apart.

McKay rushed into the Gate Room, "Sorry, sorry," he called.

John scowled, "You're late McKay."

McKay just flapped a hand at him, "Yeah, yeah," his head was already buried in the data reports for the last nine days.

John sighed in exasperation, and signaled the man at the DHD to dial the Gate. As the chevrons locked into place, John spared a dark thought to Ronon, who was currently snowed in up in North Dakota at Banks' family's place. The lucky man.

As the last chevron locked into place and the Gate settled, ready to transport them across the universe. Someone called out, "Wait!"

John turned to see Vala rushing across the room towards them. He raised an eyebrow in curiosity, but her reason for doing so was soon explained.

She slammed into him, causing him to let out a grunt of air, and wrapped herself around him. "Thank you," she whispered into his ear, "Thank you so very much Asmodeus."

John sighed and wrapped his arms around her in return, "You're welcome."

Cam was waiting by the door to the room when John looked up. He nodded at John, and John nodded back. He knew the other man had felt awkward and out of place the last week or so. It had been obvious. But still, Cam had never once said anything rude, and had at least attempted to fit in with the family. John appreciated the effort.

Vala detached herself after giving John a peck on the cheek. "I'll keep an eye on everyone for you," she winked.

John grinned nastily, "And your hands on Abigail, I imagine," he drawled softly.

To his delight Vala flushed, "Don't think I didn't notice how you're walking, Asmodeus," she teased back too softly for anyone else to hear, "Who do you think distracted Lam so she'd only run the blood tests?"

John threw back his head and laughed, he should have known, "You are a sneaky one Vala," he smirked, "I like it."

She hugged him one last time, and he patted her on the shoulder. Once she'd released him, and nodded a hello to McKay, he turned back to the Stargate, ignoring McKay's accusing gaze. Hefting his bag, filled with clothing, weapons, and his Yule presents (and some of Grandmama's cooking) he began to walk to the horizon.

"Hey, Sheppard," Cam called, right before John was about to step through. He looked over. "Thanks for inviting us over. It was… interesting. Definitely not a trip I'll soon forget," he said ruefully, shaking his head.

John gave him a nasty smile, "I'm sure Wednesday would love to have you over to… play."

Cam gave him the most horrified look, and John laughed again as he went through the horizon.

Time to get back to work.

Prayer to the Phantom Queen paraphrased from Morgan Daimler's "Song to the Morrigan."


End file.
